entry # 2 : A Price To Be Paid [Lezar/Alec]

[janevolturi]

Where the shadow wraps around her
And our torches cannot find her

Your sanity is the price to be paid for having both power and friends; however I've never had sanity nor friends, so how am I to do this? I have no one to tell, for not one person will understand. I'm afraid to tell Alec because he won't stop to try and read my thoughts. He will simply leave and go after him, and Aro won't bother to stop him. After four hundred years, the bottle that tightly held my human emotions has been shaken and will burst. Alec doesn't want that, I know this, but how am I to stop it all? I can't, and part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to feel these emotions, and yet I don't want to let them go just yet.

We don't live in a world of mercy, and that is what I've adopted as my personality all my life. It is cruel, some would say, but Alec and I prefer to think of it as the nature of the world. If you want to survive, you must adopt to this lifestyle. You must have courage and power, for without one the other is useless, and you will die off. Somehow, though, this boy; Lezar. He has managed to keep himself alive with an altered version of nature. He has no practical thinking, and yet he does. How does that work in a world that is either or? How does he manage, and how did he manage?

Sometimes I think to myself how my human life would have been different had I lived by the human code with the human emotions I had kept bottled up. I imagine myself deceased now, much older than the time I was frozen in history. When I had died, a smile had been printed across my face and stayed until my flesh had rotted away. I imagine having many children, and living to see perhaps my great-grandchildren. Alec was right, and I am becoming too soft. I tread on delicate waters now, and I can't find the life boat I've been living in all of my existance.

And who better to come and disturb the waters than Lezar? I'd never given much thought to having a mate, but Lezar seems to be very pushy. I found him admiring the ball room in the castle, and he had decided he wanted to play games. I admit, he is handsome, but I didn't think much on him. Not until he made me with that practical-unpractical thinking of his. And this is what I am afraid to tell Alec, but I will tell him soon anyway. He deserves more of my life than I have been giving him lately, but in return I feel we haven't been as close as we always are. Everything started with the hybrids entering the castle. His games that I do not like; he continued them, and I fear they have surpassed the act now. How this makes me feel is unbelievable. I feel like he is leaving me for the Cullen hybrid, and it hurts more than anything.

But I'm not any better. Lezar is slowly drawing me in against my will. I don't want a lover or a mate, all I want is my brother back, but something about him won't let me let him go. It's a nervous feeling, wishing he was in the castle more than he is. I don't want him here, but again I do. I expect him around ever corner, and am disappointed when he isn't there. It's so hard to have these conflicting emotions within me when I've never had them to begin with. So what do I do? I don't have the heart to push Lezar away anymore, but I don't want to push Alec away either.

I know, weird that this is all coming from the torturing little girl of the Volturi, right? I can't believe it either.

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And she said always be afraid
Yeah you should always be afraid . . .