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Post by rachel on Jul 10, 2010 2:56:34 GMT -8
 .x. .x. Rachel Jane Stryker
One Light, One Mind, Flashing in the Dark
Blinded by the Silence of a Thousand Broken Hearts...
Entry One. How long have I been here again?
I... I try to tell myself that I'm over him, that I won't let it effect me anymore, but the truth is, it still does. I still want him as strongly as I did before, and the sound of his name, even in my own thoughts, makes my heart jump a beat. Literally. I can feel it in my chest, as my heart races... I may be immortal, but I don't have forever. I just... I don't know. I don't understand myself anymore, and so how am I to be expected to understand someone like Alec? Oh, how convenient mind-reading would be at a time like this.
When I'd been away from here, pretending to 'fit in', if that was ever possible for someone like me, I actually felt human. I forgot my vampire side. I forgot that my father reguarly drank blood. I'd been able to leave behind my vampire side, apart from the oh-so-obvious gothic attire (why does everyone think that's so weird anyway? Even if I wasn't a vamp I'd think that was cool. Looks good), and just act like any other teenage girl. I'd play zombie shoot-out games on the Uni campus where I'd once studied. I was... Not normal – definitely not normal – but I was human. And now, I'm a vampire. I can't be both a human and a vampire – not in a world where the two aren't designed to co-exist. The devil, or the angel... And how could I decide? Especially with Alec playing on my mind as he is... I do not understand vampire minds.
And the sparkling. That never made sense to me. I mean, what kind of vampire sparkles. Yeah, my father; I never even understood it when he walked outside and his skin lit up. That made no sense. Okay, yeah, maybe I'm ranting... But I miss humans. I miss Rebecca. For a few hours there, one day, I even considered telling her my secret... Of course I'm glad, now, that I didn't, because she would have gotten killed, but still it would have been nice to have one person understand me.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. Do I care?...
...Do I want to know?...
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